Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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