the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize