Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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