He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
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