hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
