That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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