I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
