I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
Redeem this text for a blowjob
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
