And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Randomize
