i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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