I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
