im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
