I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
