Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize