textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
