Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
