what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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