I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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