Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
