be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
