omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I enjoy the company of your penis
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