This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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