Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
