yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
