i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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