Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
