i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Randomize
