Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
