Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
