The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
