Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
