I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
