i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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