Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
