Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
