I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
