My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
