just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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