Your face is a jimmy john
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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