if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
