I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
how drunk are you?
Several
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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