i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize