Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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