THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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