Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
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