don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
what the fuck happened to the tacos
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
