Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
