I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
