I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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