I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
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