Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
