Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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