im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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