Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I need a beard to bite.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
